Special XMen
by Piotr's girl
Summary: Special Ed prankcalls the X-Men continuously. Result: Utter chaos. Sheer stupidity never looked so good. Throw in a couple of joints... you have my story. Reposted and better than last, enjoy my lovelies!


**Okay, here lies my most. . . er. . . retarded story yet. What would happen if the X-Men crossed paths with Crankyankers? Chaos and more chaos! Sheer stupidity is so cool. Sorry if I offend anyone. Have fun and _beware the Creeper_!**  
  
Thursday, 2 p.m.  
  
EVAN—Mr. Logan, Mr. Logan!  
  
LOGAN—What the hell do you want, porcupine?  
  
EVAN—I baked some special brownies! Want some? _holds up a container_  
  
LOGAN-- _sshhhink_ Leave the container with me.  
  
EVAN—AH!!!!! Yessir, Mr. Logan! _turns around to run and smacks into a wall  
_  
_Logan shakes his head_  
  
LOGAN—Sweetness! The delicious chocolatley goodness of- hey it there pot in this? COOL!! mmmmmmrrrrrrrccccccccrrrrrraaaaahhhhhhh _stuffing brownies in his face as fast as he can  
_  
_ring ring_  
  
LOGAN—Is anyone gonna get that?  
  
_all is silent. One of those dust things you see in western flicks rolls down the hall  
_  
LOGAN—Oookay.  
  
_ring ring_  
  
LOGAN—Damnit!! Someone answer the phone!! _still eating brownies, and clearly stoned  
_  
_picking up the phone and wiping his mouth with his shirt sleeve  
_  
LOGAN—mmmmmmmrrrreeeeello??  
  
CALLER—Hey Lady! How much for two tickets?  
  
LOGAN—Tickets for what?  
  
CALLER—Hey Lady! How much for two tickets?  
  
LOGAN—If you mean tuition, you'll have to speak to Hank or Chuck. _**(it's professor X! duh)**_  
  
CALLER—YAY!!  
  
LOGAN—Hold on a sec.  
  
CALLER—YAY!!  
  
_Logan steps over Evan and goes to the Professor's office  
_  
LOGAN—Chuck?  
  
_silence  
_  
LOGAN—Hey, professor, want some weed?  
  
_FLUSH  
_  
_professor X comes wheeling out of the bathroom as fast as he can and does a 180 across the floor. He can't stop and he rolls through the door  
_  
PROFESSOR—HELP ME!! AHH!!!  
  
LOGAN—WATCH OUT FOR THAT- _Professor falls down the stairs and somehow lands in a conveniently placed trashcan  
_  
LOGAN—OOH! _cringes_  
  
PROFESSOR- OUCHIES! My poor bald head!  
  
LOGAN—Yeah, well, here's the phone.  
  
PROFESSOR—Ah, thankyou.  
  
_ahem ahem  
_  
PROFESSOR—Hello and thankyou for calling Professor Charles Xavier's school for gifted youngsters! Professor Xavier speaking, how may I help you?  
  
CALLER—Hey, Lady! How much for two tickets?  
  
PROFESSOR—Well, er. . . the tuition is 500 per semester, so. . . it's up to you.  
  
CALLER—Hey Lady!! How much for two tickets?  
  
PROFESSOR—Erm. . . for the karaoke contest? _shudders_  
  
CALLER—Hey lady! How much for two tickets?  
  
PROFESSOR—Ten dollars.  
  
CALLER—YAY! How much for three tickets?  
  
PROFESSOR—fifteen dollars.  
  
CALLER—YAY!! I can bring two of my friends! Hey Lady, how much for four tickets?  
  
PROFESSOR—Twenty dollars, and I'm not a lady.  
  
CALLER—YAY! I can bring two of my friends! Hey Lady, wanna be my friend?  
  
PROFESSOR—I'm not a lady, and I don't wanna be your friend.  
  
CALLER- YAY I HAVE A NEW FRIEND!  
  
PROFESSOR- DAMNIT I DON'T WANNA!! Who is this?!  
  
CALLER—Ed.  
  
PROFESSOR—Ed who?  
  
ED—Special Ed.  
  
PROFESSOR—Well Special Ed, don't you ever call here again you understand?! **By god if you do, I'll freaking kill you with my squishy squishy brain!  
**  
_slams phone down  
_  
**Meanwhile, in the Professor's bathroom. . .**  
  
LOGAN—AH MY GOD!!!!  
  
_Scott is tied up, shirtless. He has black marker streaks on him, that say 'I am Charles' love slave, spank me! Handcuffs, a whip, and scented candles are laying on the counter. Scott is crying like a baby. Hell, I would be too. I almost feel bad for him_  
  
SCOTT—**HELP ME!! THE PROFESSOR IS SICK AND TWISTED!!  
**  
LOGAN—Oh my god, my eyes!  
  
SCOTT—Hurry up damnit, he's coming back!!  
  
_shhhhhhiink  
_  
_Logan cuts Scott loose and they run away together. . . to the kitchen to make more special brownies  
_  
SCOTT—Thanks Logan.  
  
LOGAN—Sure Scott.  
  
SCOTT—Where's Jean?  
  
LOGAN—Oh um. . . _glances around_ She killed herself.  
  
SCOTT—**WHAT?!  
**  
LOGAN—Yeah. She heard you were gay, and killed herself because she couldn't deal with it.  
  
_Scott begins to cry  
_  
SCOTT—I'm coming for you my love! _runs and jumps out the window and over the cliff  
_  
LOGAN—Now to get rid of the redhead. Coool.  
  
**later on**  
  
KITTY—Hey Rogue, what are you doing?  
  
ROGUE—I'm clipping my toenails.  
  
KITTY- Why don't you just bite them? That's what I do, it saves time.  
  
ROGUE—I'm not that flexible.  
  
KITTY—Okay.  
  
_silence  
_  
ROGUE—You still in love with that Russian?  
  
KITTY—Yeah. You still in love with the Cajun?  
  
ROGUE—Yeah.  
  
_silence again. Frogs chirping in the background. Wait, do frogs chirp?No, they gribbit. Okie cue gribbiting in background  
_  
_ring ring_  
  
ROGUE—hello?  
  
ED—I got mail, yay!!  
  
ROGUE—Wut?  
  
ED—I got mail, yay!  
  
ROGUE—Um, yeah, so do Ah.  
  
KITTY- Like, who is it Rogue?  
  
ROGUE—Ah dunno, Kit. Who is this?  
  
ED—My name's Ed.  
  
ROGUE—He says his name's Ed.  
  
KITTY—Like Eddie's ice cream?  
  
ROGUE—That's Edy's ice cream you dumb-ass.  
  
KITTY- Oh. So like Ed who?  
  
ROGUE—Ed wut?  
  
Ed- Special Ed.  
  
ROGUE—Oookay. Special Ed.  
  
KITTY—What the hell?  
  
_Rogue is now angry mwahaha  
_  
ROGUE—Look here, ya yahoo! Ah'm sick of ya sayin' Ah got mail. Ah don't care! If ya got somethin' ta say, say it now!!  
  
Ed- Guess what?  
  
ROGUE—What?  
  
ED—I got mail I got mail I got mail yay!!  
  
ROGUE—**Damnit shut up!  
**  
_hangs up phone  
_  
ROGUE—Stupid prankcallers.  
  
_Kitty gets up with laptop_  
  
KITTY—Well okay then. If you like need me, I'll be downstairs working after I look up how to build a bomb on the internet.  
  
ROGUE—What the hell?!  
  
_In the kitchen. . .  
_  
LOGAN—And the sugar is connected to the- egg yolk! Egg yolk's connected to the- flour! Flour's connected to the- chocolate chips! Chocolate chips connected to the- cookie pan! Cookie pan connected to the- wee-eed. . .  
  
JEAN—Hi, Logan! Where's Scott?  
  
LOGAN—He killed himself.  
  
JEAN—You're lying!  
  
LOGAN—No, I'm not, he killed himself because he thought you were dead!  
  
JEAN—I'll prove your lying!  
  
_using telekinesis, twilight theme playing in background  
_  
JEAN—Oh my god he's dead! You're not lying!  
  
_rolls his eyes  
_  
LOGAN—duh, Jean.  
  
JEAN—I'm coming for you, my little Scottie! _runs out  
_  
LOGAN--_ smiles_ my life is now complete.  
  
**Somewhere in the middle of the ocean. . .  
**  
_Jean is standing on the railing of a cruise ship, arms outspread, wind flying through her perfect red hair. Suddenly, an iceberg appears and hits the ship, mainly Jean, and they all sink to the bottom of the sea_  
  
**back in Magneto's lair  
**  
_Gambit, Pyro, and Colossus are watching Ed, Edd, and Eddy.  
_  
PYRO- Hey Mate! Look a'em go!!  
  
GAMBIT—Yeah, dat's amazin'!  
  
COLOSSUS—Da, I wish I had such skills!  
  
_They are watching the Eds eat their beastly jawbreakers_  
  
_ring ring  
_  
GAMBIT—Probably mah date.  
  
_picks it up_  
  
GAMBIT—Bonjour mon chere. Remy's at your service.  
  
ED- I wanna go to Hawaii, yay!  
  
GAMBIT—Eh. . . pardone moi?  
  
ED—I wanna go to Hawaii, yay!  
  
GAMBIT—Dat all ya can say, homme?  
  
ED—Yay!  
  
GAMBIT—Ya gonna say anytin' else?  
  
ED—Yay!  
  
_Colossus and Pyro stare at Gambit, confused. He shoots them a nasty look  
_  
GAMBIT—Look homme, don' be callin' here no mo' 'stand? Ya be regretin' dis call.  
  
ED—I wanna go ta Ha-  
  
_hangs up  
_  
PYRO—What the hell, mate? Sheila go crazy on you?  
  
GAMBIT—More like Special Ed.  
  
COLOSSUS—Who is this Special Ed?  
  
GAMBIT—A pain in mah ass._ grimaces_ Le's go harass de X-Men!!  
  
**They go to Magneto's office**

_Whhooommm_

**doors open**  
  
_magneto is laughing like he's been smoking again_  
  
GAMBIT—Hey bossman, we gon' go harass de X-Men, kay?  
  
MAGNETO—heehee okay have fun kiddies!  
  
PYRO—eh mate, what's so funny?  
  
MAGNETO—Nothing, go on, have fun!  
  
_Acolytes walk out  
_  
_Pietro appears out of nowhere  
_  
MAGNETO—Pietro, you little shit, stop tickling me! Ahahahahaha. . .  
  
**Later on at the institute. . .  
**  
_Logan is getting stoned, Kitty is building a bomb to kill Scott and Jean, but they're dead already so. . . who cares. Rogue is eating lotsa lotsa candy, and is very hyper. Evan is covered in hot cheese. . . I don't know why. The new recruits are off doing something. . . who cares. Professor's in the bathroom, and Ororo is watching Recess_  
  
LOGAN-- _spies Kitty_ Want some weed, man?  
  
KITTY- No thanks, I'm building a bomb.  
  
LOGAN—Who's it for?  
  
KITTY—I think maybe I'll give it to Evan.  
  
LOGAN—Okay bye. _leaves  
_  
_Tabitha appears out of nowhere_  
  
TABITHA—Have a beer! _hands one to Kitty  
_  
KITTY—Thanks! _downs it, and Tabitha walks away_  
  
_ring ring  
_  
KITTY—I'll get it! _picks up the phone_  
  
_ring ring_  
  
KITTY- Why is it still ringing?  
  
ROGUE—That's the doorbell, you silly-billy!!  
  
_answers it  
_  
ROGUE—**GAMBIT!!  
**  
_kisses him really good-like  
_  
_steps back to look at him, he's blushing aww  
_  
GAMBIT—**Mon deui**- a dream come true!!  
  
_acolytes come inside_  
  
PYRO—we are here to harass- **ooh pretty fire!  
**  
_runs away somewhere_  
  
COLOSSUS—Is that a bomb, Katya?  
  
KITTY- Yeah.  
  
COLOSSUS—A work of art!  
  
KITTY-- _blushing_ thanks, Pete.  
  
_kisses him just because Rogue kissed her man, they are off making out somewhere  
_  
**_(In this fanfic, Rogue can touch so nanner nanner!!)_**  
  
COLOSSUS—You kiss well.  
  
KITTY—Yeah you too.  
  
_they work on the bomb together_  
  
_ring ring  
_  
ORORO- I'll get it  
  
ED—Hey Lady!  
  
ORORO—Um hi.  
  
ED- Bread makes me poop. Yay!  
  
ORORO—Um okay. hangs up  
  
_ring ring  
_  
**elsewhere in the mansion. . .**  
  
_Amara is beating the crap out of Ray just because she can._  
  
_ring ring  
_  
_picks it up and slams it down_  
  
AMARA—I heard about these calls.  
  
RAY—**AMARA STOP IT PLEASE! AH MY GOD. . .  
**  
AMARA—**SHUT UP!!** _slaps him_  
  
**Outside. . .  
**  
LOGAN—weeeee!! MARIJUANA IS MY FRIEND!! _smoking a joint_  
  
_Evan rides by_  
  
EVAN—Yo bitch! Gimme summa dat shit!  
  
_reaches for the joint when a tree falls on him  
_  
LOGAN—coool.  
  
_skips away into the forest to frollick with the forest creatures  
_  
**in a closet. . .**  
  
GAMBIT—Mon chere, you're beautiful as ever.  
  
ROGUE—HEEHEE you too swamprat. Have some pixie stix!  
  
GAMBIT—No tanks, chere, ya already hypa as I dun know wut.  
  
ROGUE—Coool.  
  
_ring ring  
_  
GAMBIT—Um why der a phone in de closet?  
  
ROGUE—I dunno. _they start making out again_  
  
**In the main room. . .  
**  
_Kitty and Piotr are finished with the bomb_  
  
KITTY- **AWESOMENESS!**  
  
PIOTR—**A WORK OF ART!  
**  
KITTY—Hey I'm bored.  
  
PIOTR—Wanna make out?  
  
KITTY- Maybe later. Let's solve the special Ed mystery!  
  
COLOSSUS—Okay, da.  
  
_dials 69_  
  
OPERATOR—THE NUMBER YOU HAVE REACHED IS 912- GAY-LOVE.  
  
_Kitty blinks_  
  
KITTY—Um okay. That explains the professor's weirdness.  
  
_flashback to Scott, ah my god! The deflected part is over  
_  
KITTY—Let's go find Ed!  
  
_they run off_  
  
**In the Med Bay. . .  
**  
_Empty._  
  
**Rooms?  
**  
_Empty.  
_  
**Kitchen?  
**  
_Bobby and Jubilee making out.  
_  
**Garden?**  
  
_Rahne is marking her territory. Um, okay.  
_  
**Balcony?**  
  
_Ororo is standing on the railing, singing and holding a bottle of Jim Bean.  
_  
**Rec room-  
**  
_Hank is watching Baywatch.  
_  
HANK—**woohoo! Look at dem crazy ass bitches!!** _(he talks like this when he thinks he's alone)_  
  
**Cerebro room?  
**  
KITTY—Jamie?!  
  
_Jamie jumps up, startled  
_  
COLOSSUS—It is you has been prankcalling!  
  
JAMIE—nah ah, him  
  
_points to special Ed in the next chair_  
  
ED- YAY I HAVE LOTS OF FRIENDS!  
  
_Kitty throws bomb and blows up cerebro room. Everyone flies out in different directions_  
  
_John comes running out of nowhere  
_  
PYRO—**ooh pretty fire!!  
**  
_Kitty rolls her eyes  
_  
KITTY—DAMN SPECIAL ED!! MWAHAHAHAHA COME ON PETEY LET'S GET STONED!!  
  
_they run out together, hand in hand  
_  
**The Moral: Screw the moral. But you did learn that special Ed shouldn't make friends with little kids and make mutant crank calls!! Mwahahaha the End**


End file.
